I have these heavy feeling for days. I'm not sure why but i think i want to share what i feel here.
Three days ago i was shocked by the news of Kim Jong Hyun (shinee) death which due to depression that led him to commit suicide. To be honest, i am a kpop fan and i've been listening to Shinee for 8 years even though i'm not really their true fan. I know very well how hard is it to live as an entertainer, especially in K-pop Industries. Korean wave really hit us hard, people all over the world are going 'crazy' over kpop. And as fans we know how hard does all these entertainer works, how long they become a trainee before debut, how intense they practice, and how much pressure they receive from their agencies and fans, their life also very strict, they can't simply do what they want to do. They always have to live up to everyone's expectation. Due to this, a lot of them are affected by stress and what more worse is depression, this often occurs in entertainment industries and of course in society as well.
Depression or Depressive disorder is a silent killer and it could happen to anyone. You can't even notice it because some people know how to hide their problem by acting like normal, he/she can be happy go lucky just like KJH, and they can be someone who always cheerful next to you. There were a lot of issue that can trigger depression, physical abuse, mental abuse, family issues or even the way they think of themselves and other's judgement towards them and this illness not something that you can take lightly. It's not simply caused by mood swing or sadness, it's was way more than that. I know cause i've been there for more than 2 years. I even tried to hurt myself by taking pills, not with intention to suicide, but i want people around me to notice that i'm suffering but no one cares, but somehow i manage to get out of it and i was so grateful that i am.
What makes me feel more devastated over this news was, he showed so many hint that he was suffering from depression, to his friends, to his family and fans through his song and all.. but none of us notice. Even on the day before he took his own life. Those accelerate (car) sound he made and the last message to his sister too. He's crying for help but nobody cares. He did all that because he need someone to notice him, to console him, to be by his side talking to him and he need someone who can pull him out from depression but it didn't works and in the end he gave up. I'm not blaming anyone it just that i feel sad that no one able help him when he's alive when they obviously know that he's suffering, it's really an unfortunate tragedy and he could have been saved.
I can't imagine how he feel when he decided to suicide, the feeling he felt while he's waiting to die in those smoke. I can't accept the fact that no one was there with him, no one comfort him and listen to his story. All these simple advice like 'be strong', 'don't overthinking' 'you'll be okay' wont help. And every time i read post by all of his fans, my heart break and i feel suffocate just to think that he's having a hard time and finally decided to leave this world. I sobbed hard while reading his letter, it's really painful, every single words stab me right into the heart. He endured a lot. 너무 고생했어요! 잘했어요! 잘 가요 KJH.
p/s:
If you know or notice someone who likely to have depression, please help them or maybe you yourself are suffer from it, please do seek a help from people you are close with, your family, your friend or from a professional. Talk to them, don't lock yourself, don't be alone and don't give up on life. Just know that you are not alone.
Three days ago i was shocked by the news of Kim Jong Hyun (shinee) death which due to depression that led him to commit suicide. To be honest, i am a kpop fan and i've been listening to Shinee for 8 years even though i'm not really their true fan. I know very well how hard is it to live as an entertainer, especially in K-pop Industries. Korean wave really hit us hard, people all over the world are going 'crazy' over kpop. And as fans we know how hard does all these entertainer works, how long they become a trainee before debut, how intense they practice, and how much pressure they receive from their agencies and fans, their life also very strict, they can't simply do what they want to do. They always have to live up to everyone's expectation. Due to this, a lot of them are affected by stress and what more worse is depression, this often occurs in entertainment industries and of course in society as well.
Depression or Depressive disorder is a silent killer and it could happen to anyone. You can't even notice it because some people know how to hide their problem by acting like normal, he/she can be happy go lucky just like KJH, and they can be someone who always cheerful next to you. There were a lot of issue that can trigger depression, physical abuse, mental abuse, family issues or even the way they think of themselves and other's judgement towards them and this illness not something that you can take lightly. It's not simply caused by mood swing or sadness, it's was way more than that. I know cause i've been there for more than 2 years. I even tried to hurt myself by taking pills, not with intention to suicide, but i want people around me to notice that i'm suffering but no one cares, but somehow i manage to get out of it and i was so grateful that i am.
What makes me feel more devastated over this news was, he showed so many hint that he was suffering from depression, to his friends, to his family and fans through his song and all.. but none of us notice. Even on the day before he took his own life. Those accelerate (car) sound he made and the last message to his sister too. He's crying for help but nobody cares. He did all that because he need someone to notice him, to console him, to be by his side talking to him and he need someone who can pull him out from depression but it didn't works and in the end he gave up. I'm not blaming anyone it just that i feel sad that no one able help him when he's alive when they obviously know that he's suffering, it's really an unfortunate tragedy and he could have been saved.
I can't imagine how he feel when he decided to suicide, the feeling he felt while he's waiting to die in those smoke. I can't accept the fact that no one was there with him, no one comfort him and listen to his story. All these simple advice like 'be strong', 'don't overthinking' 'you'll be okay' wont help. And every time i read post by all of his fans, my heart break and i feel suffocate just to think that he's having a hard time and finally decided to leave this world. I sobbed hard while reading his letter, it's really painful, every single words stab me right into the heart. He endured a lot. 너무 고생했어요! 잘했어요! 잘 가요 KJH.
I am damaged from the inside. The depression
that has been slowly eating away at me has completely swallowed me, and I
couldn't win over it.
I hated myself. I tried to hold on to
breaking memories and yelled at myself to get a grip, but there was no answer.
If I can't clear my breath, it's better to stop.
I asked myself who can take care of myself.
It's only me.
I was alone.
It's easy to say I'll end things.
It's hard to end things.
I lived all this time because of that
difficulty.
They said I wanted to run away.
That's true. I wanted to run away.
From me.
From you.
From you.
I asked who it was. It was me. And it was me.
And it was me again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. They
said it was because of my personality. I see. It was my fault in the end.
I wanted someone to notice, but no one noticed. No one met
me, so of course they don't know I exist.
I asked why people live. Just. Just. People
just live.
If I ask why people die, I guess they'd say
they were tired.
I suffered and I worried. I never learned how
to turn my pain into happiness.
Pain is just pain.
They told me not to be like that.
Why? I can't even end things the way I want?
They told me to figure out why I was hurting.
I know very well why. I'm hurting because of
me. It's all my fault and because I'm bad.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear?
No, I didn't do anything wrong.
When the doctor blamed my personality with a
quiet voice, I thought it was so easy to be a doctor.
It's amazing how much I'm hurting. People who
are hurting more live well. People weaker than me live well. I guess not. Out
of everyone alive, there's no one hurting more than I am and there's no one
weaker than I am.
But they said I should live.
I asked why so many times, but it's not for me. It's for
you.
I wanted to be for me.
Don't say things that don't make sense.
Figure out why I'm hurting? I told you why. Why I was
hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a
more dramatic detail? I need more of a story?
I told you why. Were you not listening? Things I can win
over don't end in scars.
It wasn't my place to clash with the world.
It wasn't my life to be known to the world.
They said that was why I was hurting more.
Because I had clashed with the world, because I was known to the world. Why did
I choose this? That's funny.
It's a miracle I lasted this far.
What more can I say? Just tell me I worked hard.
That it was good of me to come this far. That I worked hard.
Even if you can't smile as you let me go, please don't blame
me.
I worked hard.
I really did work hard.
Good bye.
p/s:
If you know or notice someone who likely to have depression, please help them or maybe you yourself are suffer from it, please do seek a help from people you are close with, your family, your friend or from a professional. Talk to them, don't lock yourself, don't be alone and don't give up on life. Just know that you are not alone.
